have a problem? talk here

Hannah_Molko · Moderator

RE: have a problem? talk here

Will · Member

we love you too PM! and we will be here, i will, i kno that much, promess

puremorning · Member

thankyou for being so nice to me, I'll talk about it tomorrow, cos now I can't stay

Hannah_Molko · Moderator

ok hun, hope your ok

Will · Member

me too, you can tell us anything

puremorning · Member

you know I'm always having mother trouble, right?
Well they got much worse and my mother is a person who wnats everyone to do what she says and what she wants. It's really weird cos I can't do only what she wants, cos...
I don't know why whatever i do it's not enough and whatever I try to make better it's still not good, and nothing from what I say or do is right, so I don't see the point in trying to please her, even if I still try.
3 days ago school started. When I came home she wasn't tehre and I went to work what she told me to at chemistry (she's a chemistry teacher and I'm really good at it) and I waited for her to come. As soon as she arrived she started to scream to tell me that she ahtes me, to ask herself why the **** did she take me from my grandpartens, to take all the posters from my room to start throwing my things away, I think she even hit me (she didn't do that for almost 2 years, or something like that). I asked what did I do. And she told me to shuit up that she can't bare to see me or my father, that we hate her and we do nothing for her. The problem is that I"m used to see ehr scream but not like this, and I wasn't alone, one of her pupils was at our place and... it was so ****ing awful. She took away my cd's my cd plaeyr, most of my books.... well she gave them back, but...
I don't understand why she can't see that we're trying to make her feel good, that we're trying to do what she wants, but she wants perfection, and people are not perfect.
I couldn't come ehre and write cos she took away the cable from my computer,and...
I know this doesn't make any sence, and it's not that important, but I told ya and now I'm feeling better

Will · Member

that is bad, i'm not sure. i walk out the room or the house if my mum kicks off then ignor her for about three hours. i really don't kno, have you tried asking her why she's always screaming at you? or doesn't that work? my mum now often asks if i hate her, i don't but, i just get really ****ed off with her. have you tried spending more time out the house? it could work coz me and my mum don't argu amuch as we used too since i'm out most of the time. she asks me wot are you up to this weekend?

it's worked for me

venusvenus · Member

Danina your mum sounds like she has alot of problems with herself

Hannah_Molko · Moderator

Danina, your mam seems abit, troubled, have you asked her whats wrong? Maybe she shouts at you because of her own insecurities, maybe she had a bad youth and wants yours to be perfect. maybe you should talk to her?

Will · Member

i agree clo

venusvenus · Member

Chances are though she might not want to talk, maybe you could get someone else to talk to her? Like another family member, someone who she realtes to a little more on an adult emotonal level

Hannah_Molko · Moderator

i think clo has a good idea, maybe you should do that

puremorning · Member

i tried to talk to her so many times, and i know she had a troubled youth and life (she was married with someone else before my dad and they got divorced and she often talked about divrcing my dad). But she never wants to talk to anyone... she doesn't talk with me, my dad or her mother or father (she doesn't even answer their phone calls)
and her screaming it's not a recent problem, it's for years, but now it's worse
thanks for trying to help me out

Hannah_Molko · Moderator

aww...hun if i could, id help , im so sorry

Will · Member

bloody hell, it's the same here. i really really would. wot about friends, you could tell one of them and maybe they could help, or is it the same with you?

puremorning · Member

the only friend that really cares about me has as big mother trouble as I do and the others don't give a **** about how I do really feel, as long as I'm nice they're my friends and when I ahve a problem they turn their backs....
So I don't kno what to do, but she started again,s creaming and such ****!
I love ya guys, and you're my friends whatever happends

ModernMonkey · Member

PM, I am so sorry to hear of the recent troubles between you and your mother. It definitely seems she is going through some awful troubles of her own and although her age and responsibility means she should never take it out on you, unfortunately it is easier for her to do so than with anyone else. Her heart and mind are probably telling her two different things but when she goes off on one things get irrational. I suspect she regrets a lot and feels guilty quite a bit which is why she returned your stuff to you when she had calmed down. The simple truth is it is not any of your fault and you should never be subject to her anger and upset. She knows this but in the heat of the moment she can't stop herself. Why do we take it out on those closest to us? It is a difficult question but sometimes, from my own experience, I think family reflect our own insecurities and resentment. There is also this subconscious knowing that family will love you unconditionally and you can get away with it OR that bullying family will somehow test their love for you, "how far can I push you before you stop loving me, etc?". Unfiortunately for some people, they DO push it so far that their worse dreams come true. They cause and prove that nobody loves them or needs them. They create their own evidence of that. The best thing you can do is let her know you love her whatever her faults, if indeed that is how you feel?

There really is no excuse or reason for you to change to please her although her treatment of you is probably making you dream up ways to deal with her in an easier way. Things like, keeping quiet, staying out or keeping low. I tried these things and they work in the short term, protecting you well from heartache and pain but in the longterm they knock your confidence and thwart your personality and you should never change what you are. (Placebo-'don't forget to be the way you are')

If you want to talk to your mum, grab her when she is in a good mood and show interest in her, let her talk and forget about yourself for a few minutes. It shouldn't be you that has to do this; she is the adult, but parents are not necessarily anymore confident or wiser about their own self-worth than you might think. Have you any clues to what triggers her anger? Is there a pattern in what makes her get mad?

Take care

Tess

Will · Member

well, i have the habbit of walking out or throughing things across the room, but it sounds good tess. just don't threaten to never come back, i had her in tears, it's not good making your mum cry, it's mean.

i go to my room or out the house

Hannah_Molko · Moderator

I remember before when my sister and my mam used to argue alot, my sister wanted to walk to school but there was a pervert walking around the village and my sister still wanted to talk, so my mam said she'd take my sister to her friends so she could walk with her like usual, but my mam made a fuss and my sister told my mam she hated her...and my mam started crying...it was horrible, going to school with your mam crying,... i agree will it aint nice seeing your mam cry..
Danina, is everything ok now???

Will · Member

i had my mum worried sick loads of times, it's not a good thing. she's always been really concerned about me since wot happened to those two girls about two or three years ago. i can see her point, but she's being a mum, wene i came out, she told me not to tell any one, i thought she was being a bitch and would be ashamed if anyone found out. but she was protecting me from the dip s***s we live round.

but making your mum cry, it's horrible. can't remember wot it was over, but i stormed off to my room and she was in tears. not a nice thing to do

puremorning · Member

thankyou tess, thankyou everyone I'll try, but I never managed to make her talk to me before, she never wants to talk, never. Everytime I try to talk to her about some other things (rxcept how was my day at school) she tells me to go away. Quite complicated. Thanks tess....
I'll try, and I won't cahnge, I'll listen to you adn palcebo and stay the way I am, but I love her and I want to see her happy with us, her family, not only at school and with anyone else except us. It's painful for her and for us.

Will · Member

wot about your dad? can he get her to talk?

i love my mum but there's times were we don't talk at all

puremorning · Member

you must be jocking, my dad???
He can't even talk for himself and my mother has the control overhere, she even threw him out of the house a few times, i mean a lot of times and he doesn't care taht much...

Will · Member

oh, that bad? sorry, i don't then

puremorning · Member

hope things will get better soon cos now I'm arriving home at 5 pm just not to talkto her.. I've chosen to work with small kids aftershool just to avoid her..
is this a good thing to do?