Jokes

Hannah_Molko · Moderator

RE: Jokes

Will · Member

i made up this one, wots stupid and think it can walk all over every one and needs directions? brittany spears

Hannah_Molko · Moderator

I have a blond one (sorry to any blonds on here im not being offensive)

Theres blond haveing a helecopter lesson and her instructor tells her to go up 10,000 feet, so she does then he says to go up 20.000 feet. so she does. and so on. a bit later the instructor notices something wrong. the helecompter was falling. the blond says "ahh...thats better" the instructor replys "what is?" and the blond says "i was getting cold, so i put the big fan off"

dub psychosis · Member

lol!!

Will · Member

hehe, my friend sofe came uo with this. wot do brian and satin have in commen?

they're both think it's funny when they fall over. i don't get it

Hannah_Molko · Moderator

i don't get it

Will · Member

niether do i, i thought dirty scence of humor

Helgz · Member

A woman goes to the Antiques Roadshow, she slaps down a used tampon on the table and says to the dealer 'There smart ass!! Tell me what period this came from then!!!'

Hannah_Molko · Moderator

haha!

dub psychosis · Member

lol!!

well, i'm really bad at telling jokes, but i'll try...tho i'll have to translate them..

A woman posts on the newspaper an add searching for a man that fills some requirements: to be good in sex, not to hit her or use violence, and that after having sex, the man wouldn't go away and leave her. so next day, a long line of guys are standing on her door, but everyone is turned down, until the last man rings the bell, and the woman opens the door and sees a man with no legs or arms, and the man says: "I think I'm the one you're looking for. I have no arms, so I can't harm you, and I have no legs, so I can't leave you after having sex." "How am I gonna know you're good in sex?" asks the woman, and the man says:"How do you think I got to ring the bell??"

**********

An officer stops a car, and gets near to check. "Excellent, no wheels, no lights, no plate, and you exceeded the limit velocity. Where did you got this car??" "From the rollercoaster, thanks for stopping me!"

venusvenus · Member

Those were fantastic and very well translated! I have never heard those before!

Will · Member

that's lovely helgz, funny too, hmm. can't come up with any

Hannah_Molko · Moderator

haha! their great!

Will · Member

can i put really dirty ones on? with loads of bad words?

dub psychosis · Member

...don't know..but just in case, i'll post some that can be stupid...

A man was running near the coast and he found a little chocolate, and threw it away. Then, he found it again, and threw it. He kept on running and he found again the chocolate, so he thew it to the water, and he lost it.

****************

A man was leaving a ship, and took out a ring and started thinking on proposing to his girlfriend, but he was so nervous, that he accidentaly dropped the ring to the water. He felt really sad, and told his girlfriend what happened. She told him not to worry, and they went to a restaurant. There, they ordered fish, and guess what the man found on his fish?????............the chocolate

Helgz · Member

Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman all want to join the army.....

Scotsman says "i want to sign up" and the officer tells him to blow up a building and report back to him. Scotsman comes back "I've blown up a building sir" "Good, now how many letters in the alphabet?" "26 sir" "Ok your in"

Englishman goes throught the same procedure and comes back to the officer, "I've blown up a building sir" "Good, how many letters in the alphabet?" "26 sir" "Ok your in"

It's the Irishmans turn, he goes through the same procedure and comes back to the officer, "I've blown up a building sir" " Good, now how many letters in the alphabet?" "24 sir" "24!!! how do you work that out?" "Easy, i blew up B&Q!!"

Helgz · Member

A chinese man goes to a factory for a job interview, " Ok Mr Chong, you have a job here, i am going to put you in charge of the supplies, so come in 8am Monday for your training"

Monday comes and Mr Chong has not turned up for work, the boss is so angry, he had to do the job himself. Soon he had enough and decides to go home, he opens his locker and Mr Chong jumps out at him " SUPPLIES!!!"

Helgz · Member

Two Blondes walk into a building....you'd have thought one of them would have seen the thing!!!

Helgz · Member

Why did the Scarecrow win the Nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field!

dub psychosis · Member

lol!! ..i've got one:

three guys are about to come out of the mental hospital, so a nurse makes them a question to be sure they're finally ok, so the nurse goes:

"How much is 4 times 6?"

and the first one answers: "sock"

"Sock!?!! go to your room again!! you're still not allowed to get out of here!"

Now, to the second one: "How much is 4 times 6?"

"Apple"

"Apple!?!? go with your friend, you're not getting out!!"

Now, the nurse dissappointed, asks the last one: "How much is 4 times 6?"

"24"

"Yeah, thats it!!, i'm glad you finally got it!! but...how did you found out??"

"Easy, i multiplied socks times apples"

dub psychosis · Member

It was night and a beggar was sitting on the street, then, he sees a nun passing by, so he stands up and starts hitting the nun. He slaps her, make her fly on the air, kicks her legs, he punchs her several times on the face, until the poor lady stays laying on the street, so the beggar tells her:

"And you said you were tough, eh, Batman!! "

dub psychosis · Member

ok, yeah, I'm feeling stupid, so....here are some jokes..

A koala bear walks into a whore house, asks the madam for a woman. Madam sends him upstairs with a dame. Time passes. Bear walks down the stairs, passed the madam, and is on his way out the front door when the madam shouts "Stop! You haven't paid for that female yet?!"
The bear turns his head to the madam and says "Lady, look up koala bear in the encyclopedia; It says 'eats bush and leaves.'"

*****

A blonde is driving her car. All of a sudden she sees a tree right in front of her, so she swerves to the left. She sees another tree in front of her, so she swerves to the right, and ends up hitting the guard rail, totaling her car. The blonde uses her cell phone and calls for help. About an hour later, a cop shows up with a tow truck. He asks the blonde what happened, and she related the whole story. The cop looks around in every direction, but he doesn't see any trees. He asks the blonde if she was sure she saw trees - she was. The cop looks around again, then says, "Ma'am, that's just a pine tree air freshener hanging from your mirror."