A story under a pseudonym.

A true story

Ahh year 5, the year of immatureity, the year before the year of your last year in primary school. the most stupidest year of my life.

It all started really, when Nina doors, one of my friends left our school to some school in gowerton.

i Had quite a few close "friends" ..Kirstin Powell, She was a nice girl at the start she was really friendly and careing, she was probebly one of the best friends i had, she had blond/brown hair and really bright Blue eyes, she was a very nice person. Sarah eben, She had blond hair and Green eyes, She has always stuck by me and shes' one of the most careing, friendly and thoughtful people i have ever known Helen clear, Shes lovely also, Very good friends me and Helen, shes stuck by me through thick and thin. she had blond hair and blue eyes. Catrin greenfeild, A nice person, but she turned on my after Nina left and kirstin started being horrible. she had brown hair and brown eyes, rhian daniels i hated her, i really did, i always used to pretend that we were as tight as chains but we werent, i hated her, she had curly brown hair and HUGE brown eyes ,becky lewis. she has always been a Very careing friendly and jenorus person, Black/brown hair and bluey grey eyes. and we all got along fine really. well... Rhian was never really a proper friend of mine. even though i was trapt in a bitter best friend friendship with her. i was kinda afraid of her i supose. i had to do everything she said, or i'd be out of the gang we had.

kirstin and catrin were best friends and helen and sarah were too. But kirstin changed the friendship in the gang when our sort of, leder or glue (nina) left out school. she was so devistaed i think. that she turned to bullying. yes, she bullied us, except catrin of corse.

I think i can remember when it started. we were playing a game of british bull dogs. what you do is you have one person on it and then everyone else would have to try and run across the other side of the play ground with out the "on it" person touching you.

Kirstin and catrin were on it. and we were all haveing a great time. but when kirstin couldnt touch rhian , she got angry and started up a tantrum, basically hitting rhian (not that i really cared) noone deserves that, not even that B*tch.

It got worse. we had to do everything that kirstin and catrin wanted. it was all to stay in the gang that me, rhian,Becky, helen and sarah despritly wanted to get out of,

they made us run. we had this big brick grass thing in the middle of our playground. they would want us to have a race around that . theyd make me and rhian (the slowest) race against kirstin and sarah (the fastest) and catrin helen and beaky would probly time. i remember one time me and rhian got together and we depritely wanted to win one race so we could prove that we werent as pathetic as them cows thought we were.

and we won! we won a race against them. i remember the look on rhians face. we were happy. we proved it. we arnt worthless.. then catrin said that we had lost. she lied. and when we'd pull a tantrum saying how much of a lie that was. they'd hit us. or say that they werent friends with one of us.

i also remember one time. we were playing a game of TV ( a game i loved! ), i remember one time though, they would have to describe, a person, film or singer, they described a person, and they said she was fat, she had brown hair and brown eyes. It turned out to be me. You don't know how much that hurt, i knew i was fat and over weight, but i never liked to be told that. When i almost started to cry about that, they'd just laugh at me. no comfort. i always enjoyed that game, except for that time. when we were going to play it one day, we got in our postions and kirstin decided that we wernt alowd to play that then. and she made me and becky chuck rocks at eachother. i didnt know why were chucking rocks at eachother, but we were, we were pelting them at eachother. i could see the evil smile on kirstins face. melting in to my eyes. i felt like crying. i really did.

ah..but then we stoped. because catrin needed the toilet. we went into the toilets. and i needed to go to, so i steped in the cubical. and i locked it because i knew if i didnt theyd push the door open or something, even though im PETRIFIED of locking my door. i undone my jeans and sat on the toilet. doing what you do haha. then i heard wispering and giggleing. then i heard the cubical next to me doors open. and someone steping on the toilet seat. i tryed as quick as i could to pull my trousers up and get out of the cubical but then i looked up and 6 eyes all stareing at me. i was on the toilet for christ sake! do i have no privacy! they laughed at me. it was so embarrassing.

But i did absolutly nothing when i got out. i just stood there and let them laugh at me. i felt so small. like a rabbit trapt in headlights.

as soon as every school day was over. i just couldnt wait to get out of there. and get away from my "friends".

Year 6 is a year i will remember for the rest of my days. it was probly one of the worst and best years of my life.

The bullying still carried on, i remember Kirstin invited me, catrin, helen and sarah to her birthday party. i paniked about what i was going to buy kirstin, i put my mam through so much trouble.

My mam went out and bought this cute makeup box like a worddrobe with bobbles, lipgloss, nailvanish. I panicked and started yelling at my mum saying that she wouldnt like it. i was so scared that she'd make my friends hate me if i bought her something that she thought was some cheep tat.

i remember it prosisly.

i was standing by my backdoor. eager to see what my mam had bought, she took it out of the bag and my face lit up. i loved it. i would have loved to have had one myself. but then i remember it wasnt for me. it was for kirstin. would she like it? i frownd. and asked my mam how much it was

"£5 "she said. she couldnt afford anything more. i started saying "but she wont like that, i dont

think she likes things like that, what if she doesnt like it?" i was shakeing, i didnt think she'd like it.

next day i went in to school and helen wisperd "what have you got kirstin" i told her i had got her some makeup thing. Helen told me that kirstin didnt like makeup and stuff like that. Helen had bought kirstin a necklace. I remember wishing that my mam had bought a necklace instead. but then she would have had two of the same thing.

The night came for the party. there was me, with my presant, the makeup wardrobe, and a card. and i remember my dad walking me to her door. i rang the doorbell. her mam answerd and said "Hope, come in" i stepped in took off my shoes. and looked at my dad and smiled, thinking "dad please take me home"

"Kirstins in her room with catrin" her mam said as she shut the door. Haha i remember not quite hearing what she said. "pardon" i said, kirstin yelled from the top of the stairs "up here hope" i gave the presant to Mrs powell and walked up the stairs and went into kirstins room, she had horse rideing rosets on her walls and a fleasy blanket with a horse on it catrin was sitting on the bed and kirstin sat next to her and told me to sit down, so i did, and they carried on with there convosation so i just sat and looked around her room. when helen and sarah came we went down stairs and kirstin opend her presents. it was such a relife that it turned out she loved the presant i got her... i was so chuffed with my self!

Later on we ate untill we were stuffed , the food was gorgeous, anyways. enough about food. lets get on with the party.

After we let our food go down, we all played the game twister. the game with the mat and you have to put your feet on the place it says to and stuff like that, Red yellow and green spots and you'd have to put your hands and feet on them, it was so much fun, and a great party game, a laugh.

i remember me and sarah were there laughing our heads of because we were in such a stupid postition, and Kirstin was to, Hahaha, it was great, i was haveing a really good time, i remember thinking that maybe, Just MAYBE after this party kirstin would have notice how nice we were and she would think "oh god, what have i done"...But no...she wasnt thinking that at all, Next minute, Kirstin fell because my foot was on the spot she needed, me and sarah were laughing and so were her parents, Kirstin turned red with embarrasment and anger. she pushed me. That BITCH pushed me!! she was such a sore loser, every game we would play, she would always have to win, not be the loser, seen as she was the leader, she had to be the best at everything, gloat and ponce about saying how bloody brilliant she was. I dipised her. and envyed her.

After that we all sat down and talked for abit, i remember saying next to nothing because i was to scared to look kirstin in the eye, i felt so much like crying, i didnt understand it, she was so horrible to us. After the chat i was feeling better, and we all had a game of Murder in the dark, I didnt really want to play as i have a massive fear of the dark, and i didnt know wether the girls would sneak out of the room and leave me there on my own. Murder in the dark is when someone goes onit and we all hide in the dark. Basically its hide 'n' seak in the dark. we all hid and i had fun, But it doesnt really last for long does it. but it did this time, except i was ****ting myself scared

Kirstins Mam told us off for being so uncareful with her furniture and ornimants and didnt want us running around in the dark. When the party was over dad came to pick me up, i remember seing his face and thinking "thank god"... the best part of the part was leaveing.

If i ever have this published then most of the people who read it are probebly thinking, This cannot be real, she wouldnt beable to remember any of this, its to much to remember, she couldnt.

being bullied scars your mind, and hurts you so much in cuts your heart so deaply that the wounds never heal, it stays with you, in your mind and heart and you cant ever forget how horrible it was, how nasty they were to you and how terrible your life felt. many times i felt suicidel and very upset , close to depression and suicide i didnt understand why they were being horrible to me. and i thought "this will never stop".

Being home now from the party i put on the Im-smileing-so-you-cant-see-how-****ed-up-i-feel face on and it always worked, i came in all excited, clutching my goodie-bag and running into my mam, she said "how was in babe?" i told her how fun (crap) it was and how i loved (hated) it and how i won (lost) at twister. she smiled and bought the fact the i had an amazing (rubbish) time.

Fact is that kirstin and catrin werent the only ones who bullied me, Rhian bullied me too.

Because we were "best friends" i'd go over her house quite alot, we'd talk and chat, and play games. i remember once we were going to do a fasion show, and seen as im quite big for my age i was rather fussy about what she was going to make me wear, she pulled out this red dress, i looked at her like "Are you seriously expecting me to wear that??"

she looked at me confussed and said "go on put it on" i was like "no" she got angry and started yelling at me and said for me to pick something out for myself, i just looked at her and started to get scared, panicy, i didnt know what to say or do except just stand there, looking at her.

she looked at me inpationtly i was just standing there, waiting for her to snap and she just said "aww hope just wear this.." she put the red dress infrount of me and i just shouted "No!" at her, she got angry and pushed me out of the bedroom door and slammed it shut. i walked to the end of the landing and sat on the stairs, i started to cry, i tryed to be as quiet as possible so that rhians parents didnt hear me, i didnt want sympathy for what she was doing, i thought it was my fault, my doing, i should have just worn the red dress. i think she noticed that i wasnt going out the frount door, she probly thought that her parents would catch me just standing there, and if they asked me what was wrong, i'd tell them that rhien was being horrible to me and they'd give her a row, she came out of her room and told me to come back in. i did, she acted like everything was ok.

I remeber one holidays and Rhian came to call for me with jorden ,jamie and marie and jamie and jordan were Horrible gits both of them, we went over the school i was always a little bit nervus around boys when i was that age, and didnt quite know what to say, me rhian jamie jorden and marie were sitting there they were talking while i just sat there looking at my watch waiting for the time so i could go home...

Rhian got up and started to show off, i hated it when she showed off, because some way or another she'd really hurt me, and make me cry, at the time we were in a school next to my house, there were large plant pots in there and rhian thought it would be funny to wreck them. she dug her hands deep into the soil and flowers and chucked it at jamie, i just sat there, i just didnt want to be a part of it, marie was looking at me like "what the hell is she doing" she stood up and went home, i wished she hadnt, i didnt want to be on my own with them. i stood up and told rhian to stop it because Nancy (the caretaker) will be comeing soon, and my house was looking over the school. she just laughed at me, she told me to **** off, and i started to cry, she just laughed even more, i told her to shut up and stop being a bitch, she just laughed even more, like a witch on a broom, she got lots of mud and chucked it in my face, the smell was foul and the went in my nose and mouth. and then, i just sat down on the floor and wept my heart out. marie had got her mum and told her to come over the school, she spotted us there, me on the floor, rhian laughing like a mad witch and jamie and jordan just jumping up and down like two babys that can't keep still. idiots. clara (maries mum) came over and told rhian she was going to phone her mother, rhian cryed and said it wasnt her, and it wasnt her fault that had happend, clair put her arms around me and told me it was ok. we walked rhian home. and i went home and i was so happy to be walking home, just think to myself and wounder "why the **** am i carrying on with this?" none of it seemed to make sence but in some ways it did, reasons we were sticking friends with kirstin & catrin were because we thought we'd be nothing without them, now im kicking myself for staying friends with them for so long, we should have walked sooner. me sarah and becky were the ones rhian picked on. its the way it was.

I also remember 2 other times with rhian, somethings that will never leave my mind, the first one was to do with me and sarah, me and rhian called for Sarah, i could tell by her expresion when she answerd the door that she wasnt pleased to see rhian. I dont know if she was pleased to see me either, but thats something i'll never know, and shouldnt really think about it.

well, Sarah invited us in, gave us a cake and a drink ,rhian asked for another cake which i thought was rude at the time because when sarah said no, she still went to grab one anyway. Bitch. anyways. me Sarah and Rhian went out to the quarry behind sarahs, Rhian wanted to play this stupid childish game , because she had this obsession with witches, she claimed to be a wiccan, which is total bull**** because everything that came out of her mouth about wiccans was nothing but lies. There was this big Hill in the quarry, i can picture it now, big stones pilled on top of eachother, Mixed with mud, a wheel barrow at the end, and the whole place was surrounded by trees and houses. an empty tracktor was there too.

We climed the hill and sat at the top for abit, and rhian wanted to play a game. witches.

she got the wheel barror and filt it with water from the puddle, we were gunna use it as a coldren, she told us to get mud and put it in there, she was telling me and sarah that she was the bad witch sarah was the mother and i was the good witch, so obviously she was the boss, while playing the game she chucked mud at me and said that it was my fault and told sarah to give me a row, they pelted me with mud. i remember starting to cry, sarah did nothing, i did nothing rhien just laughed. i remember saying "Can we please go somewhere now?" and sarah agreed and rhien said "fine then" and we all went for a walk somewhere, Rhien always thought the boys loved her, even though i wouldnt doubt that they Hated her. Lots of people hated her, she was self obsessed and a Gwen stefani wannabe. I remember one day she came into school and she wore black nailvanish and pronounced that she was now a goth.. i was like..what the hell do you think you are? you cant just be something just because you want to!.. she is nowhere near a goth, no ****ing way!

Catrin wasnt all bad, we even hung around together after school, she was fine if it was just me and her, she would be normal and increadbly nice to be, we'd talk about everything, and she really cared about what i had to say. but she was so horrible to me when she was with kelly, and soon, our outside school chats came to an end, and she was horrible to me all through the day.

Some people who arnt or never have been bullied don't understand why it scars our minds. why we cry and why we are always so delicate and cry and the slightest little thing. I remember crying one night infront of my sister, i was really dreading school, every holidays, the day before we went back i would always cry and be worried about what would happen. My sister, Emana, got fed up and started to shout at me, My brother, Sirius heard onetime and came in and asked why i was crying, Emana said "Shes being bullied" i swore to my brother i wasnt, i'm so glad he believed me, i remember crying and my sister told me to be quiet, i just couldnt, i wouldnt shut up, Emana told me if i didnt she would tell my mother, i coverd my head with my pillow and cryed myself to sleep...again. in our minds we can't be told that we are being stupid. because we arnt, Emana didnt understand, My brother did, as he had been bullied before.

i also remember one time in Sarahs sleepover she had, where Kirstin almost Killed me or almost gave me serious brain damage. we were going to sleep, i was petrified but didnt have th guts to ask to put the lights on, i knew they'd laugh and i didnt need that. we were sleeping in sarahs liveing room and next to that is her conservatory which looks out onto the garden they were all trying to scared eachother and then Kirstin thought it would be funny to make all the birthday cards fall off the Mantal peice, everyone jumped, especially me. and i just hid under the blanket and to make it worse they started telling me that there was a shadow behind me with a knife, i was a very gullable child, so i just stayed hid under my blanket. When everything just suddenly went quiet i felt like one of them would just try to frighten me by pokeing me and telling me it wasnt me, so i just came from under neath the blanket. It all happend really quickly. suddenly a snooker ball went flyinf past my head and hit the wall, fell to the ground behind me, it was a inch from my head, the told me that it wasnt them, but sarah and Helen told me later that it really was Kirstin. I knew as soon as it happened that it was Kirstin, thing is, i don't know whether she was actually intending on hitting me. I couldnt sleep that Night.

Anyway, i remember when it ended, oh, i remember it clearly, i will never forget it.

We were going up to year 7 in about 3 months, and we had to go to this Taster day in pencileve comp, but when we were sorting out our friendship groups it was very nerve racking, i wanted to be with my proper friends, Sarah, becky or helen. we didnt sort it out but we waited quite along time untill we did. Rhien found out her Mother had wanted her to go to a different school, and inside all i could think about was how wonderful it would be without her, and maybe it would be different without her. but then again, why would Kirstin and Catrin treat us differently just because one of us had left, They'd focus more their attention on all of us, I remember lieing awake that night, thinking of away that it could all just end, Maybe we could talk to them about it, but they'd just get angry.

When it Finished was the point in my life that everything, every problem, every negative thing in my life just seemed to not matter, we were free, I was free! I remember it in my head, the pictures, the looks, the faces, everything, I will never forget it.

Me, Kirstin, Catrin, Helen, Becky and Sarah were playing Fire Ball, Rhien wasn’t in, Ill I think. Anyway, in fire ball we’re all in a circle, Kirstin was next to Catrin, then Sarah, then Becky, then Me, then Helen then back to Kirstin. We were chucking it anti-clockwise so Kirstin would be chucking it to Helen, I remember the ball going past my face, almost hitting me, im so glad it didn’t, no because it would have hurt, but because of what happened, Kirstin says "Go on, FETCH IT!".. Like I was a dog, that wouldn’t budge for the thrown stick. Helen just said "I’m fed up" she walked down to the ball, and we followed. We stayed there, and we just started playing catch, their looks were full of shock and looked like "what the ****?" we just laughed, I laughed...first time for about 2 years. I remember Helen just smiling at me, her eyes telling me "It’s going to be ok now" I remember seeing Catrin and Kirstin looking at each other, and then they walked around the corner, I just couldn’t believe it was finally over, 2-3 years of them bullying us, everything we had had to put up with, it was all finally over, The more times I think about it, it brings a lump to my throat. How brave and how much guts Helen must have had to have been able to walk away from it, I never would have, I would have got the ball and walked strait back. But we all didn’t, we all sat there, only thing that was bothering me now, was that it really wasn’t quite over. For about 10 seconds I had forgotten about Rhien, she would be in the next day, and who said that Kirstin and Catrin were going to stop bulling us? They could still carry on with it, just because we weren’t friends anymore doesn’t mean that they couldn’t bully us, all these thoughts running through my head, and I don't think I was the only one.

Rhien did come in after that; she came with us she was fed up of Kirstin and Catrin as well.

She also had the cheek to ask if she could be "the boss" of out group. We told her that we didn’t want a boss anymore; we didn’t want to be bossed around by anyone again. We didn’t want her taking our lives like Kirstin and Catrin did, we didn’t want to be taken for fools we didn’t want to be anyone’s. We wanted to be our own. Have our own lives again.

Every break time it seemed like I could stay in school forever, I tried to ignore Rhien as much as Possible; it seemed to work, for a while.

She always phoned after school, so I could go out I always said "but I have to have food" and it was the truth, I didn’t eat my dinners in school, because I never felt like eating in school because I was so used to because when Kirstin and Catrin were the bosses, we never ate.

She told me that her mam would feed us, Pizza, I liked pizza.

I strolled over to her house like I always would, she would never come to call for me, it was always unfair, but I never dared argue.

When I arrived we went upstairs and she demanded to play a game with her dolls, I had grown out of dolls and didn’t want to play, I thought she would have grown out of them too, I mean, we were 11.

When food was ready I remember almost dribbling when her mam brought in the ham and pineapple pizza (Rhiens’ favorite) I had two pieces and Rhien had two, equal. I remember clearly eating mine quite slow, I wanted to be spearing. Rebecca took my pizza off me and said that she wanted to go out so she was going to eat it for me. I remember not arguing…just sitting there. She left the crust as well. I was so hungry I would have eaten it.

We went to call for the boys and we went down this lane to this field where I got pushed a lot. And laughed at. I hated all of them I came home and my mam was so angry with me, my trousers were wrecked an I was filthy, my mam said "every time you hang around with Rhien you always get up to no good Hope", I swore to my mam that It was my fault, I tripped over, that’s why I was muddy, Rhien was a lovely girl really, I knew she never really believed me.

In school out side class talks started, my teacher, Mrs. Long, asked me, Helen, Sarah and Becky to come outside and talk to her, Rhien didn’t have to come. We all knew exactly what it was about. She started "Hi girls, I've been having some complaints about the 4 of you", apparently Kirstin and Catrin had told her that we had been bulling them. We told her everything, from the stone chucking, from the races to the name calling. We had outside discussions for quite awhile, more and more complaints were being made about us. And Mrs. Long was getting pretty fed up.

Eventually we were all taken to Mr Granger our head teacher, One by one we had to tell Mr Granger what happened, and we knew that he’d probably believe them than us, 4 girls against 2. It kind of seems ridicules. We never really knew who he believed, but I just hope that he believed us, or he’s even more of an idiot than we thought.

On the taster day to Pencileve comprehensive we went up in a 4, no Rhien, it was Bliss, Catrin and Kirstin went up together too.

Everything was organized, we had it all planned, where we’d meet, who we’d be walking with, who we’d be sitting next to, so on..

But still I was very nerves just incase they’d just go back to Kirstin and Catrin, I tried to stop myself crying that night, Trying to think positive, and I fell asleep.

The day of the Taster day, I was meant to meet Sarah and Helen by the Swimming pool outside the school, they weren’t there when I arrived, to I thought Catrin and Kirstin had maybe got there first and manipulated them to go around with them. And leave me behind; I couldn’t bear going the whole day on my own.

I waited a bit longer and Sarah and Helena arrived. I was so Happy to see them I almost screamed, I kissed my mam goodbye and she drove away, we walked up the steps into the main car-park and then into the building. We seen all of the other year 6s’ there, and so we stood there until out guides came to collect us. Kirstin and Catrin came in and stood a few meters away from us, sharing a few glances now and then, just for us to know that they were there. Felling pretty enclosed with them being there, it made me even more nerves, our guides did eventually come after 20 minutes of waiting. And we went to the art class rooms, I seen Sirius and his friends I waved and I could tell that he was embarrassed by the bright red colour he turned when all the girls were saying "Oh my gosh is that your little sister".

We went to a lot of places, English, Music and around the whole outside of the building. At lunch I bought southern fried chicken, I ate one piece of chicken, but I left the chips. Me, Sarah, Helen, and Becky soon started to sink in and started to enjoy ourselves, Putting Kirstin and Catrin to the sides of our minds. We only remembered them when Catrin said "Bitch" as she walked passed but other than that they left us alone to get on with our taster day.

When it was over I had met two new people, Leanne and Louise, I went home with a pen and a booklet to give my parents and a lot of news about my soon to be new school. I couldn’t wait.