so.. this is written by me.. regardin placebo pairing: Steve and Brian I dunno how to sugges the age limit, but it is depressing sometimes, has homosexuality issues, and self harm..... anyways.. you can tell me when to stop posting it.. it might be boring.. I dunno
II’m scared…… what if he will find out? What will he say then? Laugh in my face…. I couldn’t take that….. look at me with despise and ask ironically… “weren’t you straight?” it would be unbearable.. I just couldn’t take that….. but how did this happen? How did I start to feel attracted to him? How did I devote my whole existence to him? How?? It just hit me… one day …. At a gig…. While we were playing…… It seems like it was yesterday, though it happened years ago……. More precisely two years ago…. And I’ve been hiding , and looking away, and trying to ignore my feelings… but I just can’t do it anymore….. We were playing in front of a small audience, just a small gig, the ones we always liked more….. I know it sounds strange, some people to prefer large crowds, but we do like to have just our real fans with us…. The ones that can understand what we feel and what we’re trying to say… at least I do……He was there as always, in the front spot, putting his heart into his lyrics, singing them , making them sound so true….. and I was hiding behind my drums… trying to make it all sound perfect… to give the music a rhythm to let it flow trough me... to give her that something that makes us special… I was looking at him and Stef flirting, nothing unusual… I was used to it, or at least I though I was…. But then he start to sing Sleeping with ghosts… and I just wondered how would I feel if he meant that for me? If we would be soul mates, if we would be together, if I could be the one to ease his suffering, to wipe his tears away, to tell him that our love would never die….I was like lighting struck… I imagined how it would be if he’d whisper that in my ear singing it…. My heart started to beat faster, and I hit the drums harder, putting all my heart into it, trying to push that thought away…. But in my head were only a few words.. “Hush, it’s okay, dry your eyes, soul mate dry your eyes, soul mates never die” Then I raised my head again, and my heart almost broke into small pieces, what was wrong with me? It was normal to see Brian touch Stef, to lift up his shirt, and blow him a kiss…. Why was I reacting that way? Why was I feeling the world crashing around me? Why did my eyes fill up with tears? And most of all why did I keep hearing Brian’s lyrics in my head, though the song ended a longtime ago? Why?? Questions that did not get an answer that night…. And it would have been a lot better if I hadn’t found the answer yet, but I have.. I have found it, and it’s the one that you can see, that you can feel… I love him…. After the gig was over Brian went over to Stef and hugged him , kissing his cheek.. “You were great..” he said to him smiling and holding him tight.. and I was watching all this from a corner with teary eyes, looking away, afraid that he might notice it. Bt how could he? I was invisible…. We went to a bar afterwards, where Brian kept hugging Stef and kissing his cheek, flirting with him…. And I was starting at my glass, that was empty again.. I don’t know how much I drink, never do… but I must have drank a lot…. Brian’s eyes were glittering with love and friendship every time he looked at Stef. Suddenly he turned to me.. “Steve, what’s wrong?” he asked me, looking at me. I looked up at him, to meet his eyes hoping to see that sparkle in them , the sparkle he had for Stef, but it wasn’t there…. Just a pair of beautiful, cold green eyes, expressing worry… why even bother? I didn’t hear what he asked… All I was hearing was his voice in my head.. “soulmates never die”… I didn’t want to hear him say anything else. Stef looked at me worried too.. .”**** Steve what’s wrong?” …. No answer from my side, I didn’t bother to answer… I couldn’t be bothered by that now…. “Do you think we should take him home?” Stef asked seriously and as Brian nodded I found myself into the car, with Stef sitting besides me. They took me home that night, and Stefan stayed with me, after Brian kissed him deeply… and I had to watch all that… I was laying there on my bed and they left the door opened, and then Brian left, and Stef stayed at my sight as I started to cry… it suddenly hit me… I knew what has happened…. But.. I was straight, how could this happen? How could I fall for Brian? He’s my friend… But then, why? Why all those feelings? Why all those tears? ….. And Stef, he was there for me and he didn’t leave, though I wished he had left. I just wanted to think….. I wanted to cry….. I couldn’t hear his words, though I can guess what he was saying. All I could hear was Brian’s voice, all I could see was Brian’s face, all I could think of was how would it be if he’d have those sparkling eyes for me, that beautiful expression on his face, not for Stef…. for ME. I hated Stef for not leaving….. He was a cause of all this at the moment, and I was supposed to be straight.. I was…. And I still am…. At least everyone thinks this….. I have been that way all my life, until… until that night… And I kept crying, feeling the world I believed in crash in front of me, everything was spinning, tears were running down my cheeks….. and I didn’t try to swallow them back…. Why is this happening to me? And why isn’t Stef leaving? What did I do to deserve this? What does he actually want to hear from me? I think he wants me to tell him what’s going on with me…. But I can’t…. How could I tell him this? And if I would, will I see him smile sadly at me and hear him say “ sorry mate, but Brian’s taken..” and then with a grin plastered on his face adding “by me” ?? I can’t assume that risk, I just can’t…. Why am I using present tense here? Because this kept on repeating since that day… After every gig I kept on crying, after every moment spent with Brian… I could just break down and cry… and Stef was there to help me every time…. It is said that time is a healer…. But not in my case… These have been my last two years, and this is my present. Sufference is still here, tears and pain are also with me, the road to unhappiness is there and it is opened for me to go down on it, and once I made the first step on this road two years ago….. I couldn’t return and I didn’t. Only one direction is and was out of my reach…. The one leading me to happiness, the one to Brian… the one I wanted the most…. It said ‘closed road’.
Thats really good Danina. Really inventive. I think though, if there is any self harm in the rest you should put certificate 16 and make it a clickable link to a webpage
